You're my little dorito
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
