Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
