This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
