the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
