i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
