Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
