if i can run in heels then i can drive
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
