In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
