On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
