There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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