if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
