So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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