i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
