Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
