he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
