I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
