Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
