I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Randomize
