I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
