I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
