It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
