I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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