Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
