I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
