The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
