You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
