batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
