i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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