Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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