Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
