I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
