I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
