I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
