i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
