In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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