the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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