I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
