I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
