Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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