I wanna bring you to show and tell
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
