Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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