I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
