I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
