i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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