Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
