No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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