Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
