Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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