Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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