I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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