now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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