Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I supernannyed him into submission
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
