normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
