I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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