I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The power of my boobs compel you
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
